Since I started this blog around 7 months ago, I've gushed about how much I love sports. "I love sports because this," "integrity of sports that," blah blah blah. Today I'm gonna talk about what I frickin' hate about sports. And please, write in with what you hate. It'll be comforting—a big group, hatefest. OK, let's get to the hatin'.
THINGS I CAN'T STAND ABOUT SPORTS:
Golf. Not a sport.
Pretty much any college team from Florida.
Teams that have a million different uniforms. Like the 2004 Mets who had SIX different jerseys to go with six different caps. It got so bad, that in one game the players got confused and went on the field with different guys wearing different versions. True story.
Those stupid politician bets over the Super Bowl.
Guys who unretire, like 9 times. Just leave already.
Teams with names you can't define. "I'm proud to be a Jazz." or "I'm a Heat." Just no.
When like 75% percent of the teams make the playoffs. (I'm looking at you, NBA and NHL.)
Fantasy...baseball, football, fantasy anything. It's Dungeons and Dragons for sports geeks.
Shea Stadium. Tear that nasty plastic 60's piece of crap down.
The fact that their aren't any scheduled doubleheaders anymore.
The Super Bowl being on a Sunday night. Move it to frickin' Saturday, so I can have a beer (or four) and not be hungover at work the next day.
That every cool promotion item you get at the ballpark has, like a gigantic Citibank or Chiquita banana logo on it, so you can't wear your cap or play with your baseball without feeling like a dillweed.
The pointy gum that comes in the baseball card packs. Man, those sucked worse than Bazooka Joe.
Commercial timeouts in football games.
NASCAR. Not a sport.
People who wear caps of teams but in the wrong colors; like red Yankee hats or paisley Red Sox caps. Seriously, guys. What are you doing? (One exception: Girls wearing teensey cute cutoff , or pink versions of their teams stuff is perfectly acceptable.
That the NFL draft has 3 commercials. The same three. Which they run. All. Day. Long. ("Click. Clack.")
Ballpark bathrooms. I mean, wow.
When the 55 year old secretary with American Idol CDs and "Hang in there!" kitten posters over her desk (framed, I might add) wins the NCAA bracket, even though she's never heard of Kevin Love or Mario Chalmers and you stayed up till 3AM to make your perfect sheet.
ESPN The Magazine. Pretty much everything wrong with sports can be found there.
"Come on, clap and dance!" songs they play in between innings. "Cotton-eyed Joe!" for instance. (Go here, if you never heard of it, but be forewarned, you may want to stab out your ears afterwards. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddgyg_5FF_0)
$11 dollar beers. And it's a Bud Light.
Every college team being named Wildcats. What is there, like 50 of them? Think up another name, dammit. You're in college for criss-sakes.
Soccer. Yes, it's a sport. Just a boring one.