Saturday, August 2, 2008

Worst Uniforms Ever

In 1987, I was sitting in Madison Square Garden at the NBA draft. A guy in front of me had driven in from Charlotte, North Carolina, just to watch the draft. He was excited because his city was getting a franchise the next year. "That place is gonna be rockin'! The whole city is excited!" but then his face grew pained. "But man....I heard the uniforms...are gonna be pink and green."

My friend and I consoled him as best we could. Lucky for him, the rumor was wrong.

Uniforms matter. They just do. It's the symbol of what you stand for, of who you are. And over the years, I've seen some just awful ideas that made it hard to root for a team, hard even to watch the game. But hey, wearing a ridiculous uniform comes with earning a gigantic salary—although sometimes the players should earn hazard pay. Click on the pictures to make them bigger and get a real good luck at these atrocities.

The Utah Jazz: Mid 90s to Mid 2000s
They look like spearmint-flavored gum. "For that refreshing taste, try "Utah Jazz!"
Chicago White Sox—Mid 70s
Collars. Shorts. They looked they were on a cruise ship, having a Tom Collins when suddenly a baseball game broke out.
Phillies—Late 70s
The Phillies unveiled these burgundy beauts in 1979. I don't think even Ron Burgundy would have worn these.
Cincinnati Bengals—Right Now
I No wonder so many of their players commit crimes.
Anaheim Ducks—Mid 90s
Despite having a pretty cool logo, the face mask lifted to make a duck bill (creative!), these jerseys are just designed to humiliate the wearer. Don't believe me—just click on the picture and look at the guy's face.
Oregon Ducks-Right Now
This is what happens when you have a sneaker company design your uniforms. You get uniforms that look like the Jolly Green Giant's sidekick. Seriously, how do they recruit kids to play in these?
Pittsburgh Pirates—late 70s
The stirrups, the turtleneck underneath the jersey, the colors, just everything.
Denver Nuggets—Late 70s to Early 90s
Dikembe Mutumbo once said, "It's hard to play good when you look so bad." True that, Dikembe. True that.
Oakland A's—70s
No matter how fast you run, dude, you ain't running out of that uniform.
Chicago White Sox—Early 80s
After the pajama unis of the 70s, the White Sox had to think hard to one-up themselves. They came close.
Tennessee Titans—Right now
Actually took the Oiler uniform, and made it worse. Also, the worst logo in sports, period.

Toronto Raptors—Early 2000s
Got their name from a movie. Then thought..."Hey, why not have it dribbling a purple? With stripes. (Actually, the raptor on the jersey is wearing a better uniform.)
Syracuse Orangemen—Right Now the heck do they recruit kids to play in these uniforms? I mean look at these guys—do they look happy to be there?
Tampa Bay Buccaneers—late 70s
Sticking with the orange theme.... So, if you're a new team, and you decide light orange is your color, and your logo is of some foppish pirate holding a knife in his teeth,'re going to lose for a long, long time.
Golden State Warriors—70s
The 70s were a bad time. Those shorts are the size of a Band-Aid.

San Diego Padres—70s-80s
Too many uniforms to choose from so here, a montage of the Awful that is the Padre uniform. Also, watch Bud Black point out exactly where he lost his dignity.

Houston Astros—70s-Early 80s
Nothing—but nothing—will ever top these uniforms in the Hall of Shame. Where do you start? The gradient/rainbow of screaming loud colors? The number on the pants? The cinching beltline? The giant off-center star? Truly, a masterpiece.

So, did I miss any? Let me know which is your favorite/most hated. Or let me know of any other awful uniforms I missed on the boards.


Anonymous said...

The duck jersey was not the mid 1990's that was the thrid jersey get ths facts straight hatter

P-Cat said...

Actually, the site I got it from said it was the third jersey from the mid-90s.


Travis said...

I think the Padres' "dookie-brown" uniform should have been specifically mentioned. When the Oregon Ducks first went to that dark green and yellow look I liked, but then they just ruined it with all of the crap they have done to it since then. That chain link fence look they have on their shoulder pads is just awful

I couldn't find a pic of it, but the Dallas Mavericks had a uniform that they wore one time only it was so bad. It looked like they were wearing gold satin dresses.

As for the Ducks jersey, who cares which one it is? It sucks.

Travis said...

Oops they weren't gold, they were silver. I found a pic that you can kind of see:

Anonymous said...

late 70s vancouver canucks is bad, otherwise pretty complete list

Anonymous said...

Ha, We moved to Florida last year, and watched one game with Tampa Bay. We both burst out laughing at the whole team of adult men wearing bright Orange Onesies, and turned it off.

We never watched again.

I'm no lifelong fan of sports, but even I can't sit through 2-3 hours of watching grown men make a fool of themselves. Not quite sure how they could do it, either, but I'd sure demand more money, if they were gonna make me humiliate myself every week.

Nike should be Shunned by anyone who cares about their team. Insisting on these ridiculous colors and uni-tards for grown men to wear is just cruel to the teams, and obnoxious to fans.

Booo, Nike!!! Just Booo!