Saturday, November 22, 2008

The Lamest Mascots Ever

Back in the 80s, for a little while, the Yankees got a mascot. It was an odd-shaped "man," or possibly a bird of some sort, with a handlebar moustache. His name was "Dandy." As in Yankee Doodle. Get it?

Anyway, he was the lamest, stupidest, most un-Yankee piece of marketing idiocy. Fans hated him and reportedly, would pelt him with garbage and, occasionally beat him up whenever he strayed to the upper deck. It got so bad the actor playing him refused to return. The idea of Dandy quickly and mercifully faded. No documented photos of Dandy exist, but here is one that was found apparently taken by an irate fan just before his assault of the Dandy mascot. (Note Dandy's surprise and fear.)

Mascots are stupid. They're lame. Unless you're a little kid at a minor league game and can't follow what's going on, mascots are irritating in a Carrot top kind of way. However, even in the realm of irritating mascots, some stand out as even more annoying, lame, or just plain weird than others. Here's a list of some of those infamous mascots.

University of California-Santa Cruz
Sammy the Banana Slug

A banana slug is basically a yellow turd-looking insect that burrows into redwood trees. In, 2004, Reader's Digest named the UCSC Banana Slug the best mascot, which I guess, is par for the course when your average reader is 214 years old.

a Bay Devil Rays

It's not good when even your mascot looks ashamed and confused. I don't think even he knows what he is.

Standford Cardinals

The Tree

Officially, it's not the sports teams mascot, it's the band's mascot. let me repeat that—the band has a mascot. And they picked a tree. A shambling paper mache tree that looks like my 6 year old niece got drunk and put it together. Nice going. (Dorks.)

Grays Harbor College

Sticking with the tree theme, here we have the Chokers. Supposedly, the mascot represents the choker-setter, a logger who placed a cable with large clamps around logs to remove them from the forest. Yeah, whatever—you're a choker.

Orlando Magic

Stuff The Magic Dragon

A particularly irritating mascot for a particularly stupidly named franchise (just what is a Magic?), Stuff was once attacked by a fan who held on despite being hit by a stun gun three times. Hate can be very powerful.

Williams Colle
Ephelia The Purple Cow

Got its name from a "funny poem" going around Williams College in 1907 (also the name of Williams College's humor magazine). Trust me, it's hilarious!!

I never saw a purple cow
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I'd rather see than be one!

Duke University

The Blue Devil

This mascot gets mentioned here for no other reason than the name "Blue Devils" honors French soldiers in World War one. Ah, yes, the fear fighting prowess of the French gets honor with a appropriately idiotic mascot complete with a pretentious French goatee.

Oakland A's

Stomper Ele Phant

Apparently, Giants' manager, in an attempt to make fun of the Philadelphia Athletics, said that A's owner Ben Shibe "had a white elephant on his hands." A's manager, Connie Mack, in an act of defiance, adopted a white elephant as the team mascot. So because of an obscure 1905 business reference, you can scare your kid's friends at his next birthday party by renting a 6'6" green elephant.

Western Kentuck
y Hilltoppers
Big Red

Unidentifiable. Appeared in a bunch of ESPN ads. Completes a daily double by simultaneously being truly irritating and utterly terrifying at the same time.

Whittier College


Almost as bad as naming your mascot after an "elite French fighting force." you name them after poets. The Fighting Tennysons? The Raging Byrons? The Fierce Dickensons?

Fort Wayne

The Mad Ant

As Kent Brockman said, "I for one, welcome our new insect overlords." Could that kid look any more uncomfortable standing next to this obviously evil ant?

Syracuse University

Otto the Orange

According to the Syracuse web site, one of the other potential mascots was a pilgrim shot full of arrows. Shoulda went with that.

Brandeis Judges

Ollie the Owl

So you're named the judges—Ok, fine, whatever. But your mascot is an owl wearing some 1920s sweater and saddle shoes? Really?

New York Un

My Alma mater. Utterly embarrassing. In the 80s, they tried to inject some non-lameness into the sports program by getting a mascot—a bobcat—which of course didn't match our name. But, heck, even the name they chose sprang forth from lameness.The story goes, that NYU chose the name "bobcat," by using an abbreviation of the library computerized catalog—Bobst Library Computerized Catalog = Bobcat. Then they go and get this cuddly, harmless looking thing. Like I said, utterly embarrassing.

Webster University
The Gorlock

According to the school's web site, "The Gorlok is...a mythical creature that was designed by Webster staff and students through a school contest. It is reported to have the paws of a speeding cheetah, horns of a fierce buffalo, and the face of a dependable Saint Bernard." Great. So it can compete with Napoleon Dynamite's Liger as the fiercest mythic animal ever.

Rhode Island School of Design

The school's teams are called the Nads and the Balls—I'm not making this up—so naturally, their mascot is a penis. Who the hell would volunteer to walk around in this?

But the winner of lamest mascot is......

Evergreen State College

First off, what the hell is a Geoduck? And whatever it is (apparently it's mollusk), what the hell is this mascot? Seriously, I thought it was a brainsucking alien sent to dominate the earth. And get this...Evergreen had no athletic program until the 1980s, when, and I quote, "...their establishment was imposed by fiat from the board of trustees over the objections of faculty and students." (Emphasis mine). The freaking students didn't even want a sports program!!!!! Oh, and here's the fight song, complete with the refrain "Let it all hang out!" Yeah.

Go, Geoducks, go!
Through the mud and the sand let's go!
Siphon high, squirt it out, swivel all about.
Let it all hang out!
Go, Geoducks, go!
Stretch your necks when the tide is low!
Siphon high, squirt it out, swivel all about.
Let it all hang out!

Please write in with your lamest, stupidest and most annoying mascot selections.


Pete S said...

RISD obviously has issues as an institution. WOW

Jane said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jane said...

Thanks for mentioning our brave and courageous Charlie Choker on your page about mascots. I agree, at first mention, this guy may seem lame, but to those hard-working loggers, the choker-setter is definitely the most dangerous job in the forest. Our mascot is an inspiration to students attending Grays Harbor College, located in the southwest corner of Washington State. Again, thanks for the mention. Come visit us someday; we would love to introduce you to Charlie! jfg

ABS said...

You forgot the much hated, not missed San Francisco (Giant) crab that also got pelted with various objects

P-Cat said...

Yeah, I hear ya Pete. That was a stunner.

And Jane, sorry if you took the joke hard, but really. You gotta expect a little fun-poking when you have that name for your mascot. Good luck with the college.

Anonymous said...

Listen Jackass, you can suck Scrotie's foamy balls.

<3 RISD Painting Department.